The Offbeat: Going Viral

The gross national creativity is certainly going viral.  Some examples:

Let’s face it.  If Hollywood ever makes the Andrew Cuomo story, Al Pacino has to play the lead, and he won’t even need makeup.

I plan to become rich just as soon as I figure out how to make hand sanitizer from crude oil.

How serious are things getting?  Strip clubs are offering fist-bump dances.

“Gee grandpa, what did you do in the coronavirus war back in 2020?”  “Well, child, I had a very dangerous job, as a tail gunner on a Charmin delivery truck.”

Want a good rule for handwashing?  Try the Texas rule:  Wash your hands as if you’ve just sliced up some jalapeno peppers, and are now about to take out your contact lenses.

Bumper sticker waiting to happen:  Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

New line from McDonalds:  Can you afford fries with that?

Remember that old suggestion to only use one square of toilet paper at a time?  Who knew that Sheryl Crow had a crystal ball?

Avoiding human contact for digital contact.  Buying everything online.  Finding anything to do online just to keep occupied.  I’m becoming a millennial.

Gas is cheap but I’m grounded–what am I?  16 again?

Corona-free man seeks corona-free woman with toilet paper.  Send pictures of toilet paper.

As we continue the lockdown, remember that Osama Bin Laden spent 3 years stuck in a house with 5 wives.  What do you bet he called the navy SEALS himself?

My wife and I have decided that we don’t want children.  Tonight at dinner we’ll be telling them.

I roam the house all day looking for food.  I get told, “No” if I get too close to people.  And I get really excited about a car ride.  I’m becoming a dog.

Drinking alone used to be a warning sign of addiction.  Now it’s being socially responsible.

What’s Prince Charles doing quarantined in that Scottish castle–virtual jousting?

My housecleaner just called to tell me that she’ll be working from home, but will phone me with instructions on what to do.

Hope we don’t have to start hunting for food.  I don’t even know where Doritos live.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant that when I pee, I clean the toilet.

Turns out I have 3 hobbies:  Eating in restaurants, visiting non-essential businesses, and touching my face.

If schools are closed much longer, parents are going to invent a vaccine before the scientists do.

I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune.  Now it’s like I’m cracking a safe.

Good news about my car:  I’m getting 3 weeks to the gallon.

And when this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.  The offbeat.  I’m Jim Bohannon.